People always talk about not announcing your pregnancy until at 12 weeks because "things can happen", with the taboo word "miscarriage" being left out and people are left to just sort of fill in the blanks. Our full pregnancy journey is something very few people in our lives know about, mostly because it just felt like something people don't talk about (and frankly I felt uncomfortable discussing it). But it shouldn't be that way. I've been wanting to chat about our experience for quite some time, but always held back until now.
The first time Doug and I found out I was pregnant it was a Sunday night in November, and I had bought the test the day before (I don't know how I waited a whole day before taking it lol). This was literally the first test I had ever taken in my life, and when it showed positive I was absolutely speechless. I instantly starting shaking, and couldn't even get the words out to Doug. Then we just looked at each other and cried. And cried and cried, tears of joy. We were ecstatic! After we contained our excitement I remember Doug saying he couldn't wait to tell everyone, and even right in that moment I remember telling him we have to wait just in case. It's almost as if I had jinxed myself, because it wasn't many days after that moment, that I had miscarried. I was only 6 weeks.
For quite awhile I put on a strong front and kept telling myself "this is why people wait, things can happen very quickly". I wasn't really allowing myself to get emotional over it in order to protect myself. Over time I allowed myself to process things, but a shift had happened. I was now more nervous, my biggest thought was "what if I get pregnant and it happens again? How am I going to handle this?". Fast forward to April and I took another test - positive again! This moment looked different than the last, I was of course excited and had the butterflies I had felt the first time, but my mind almost instantly switched to "ok we need to not get our hopes up and wait things out a bit". When I told Doug (a story for another day) you could see that things had shifted for him too. Of course he was also excited, but there was just caution between both of us.
I feel like that's something that no one tells you - pregnancy after miscarriage is full of caution and treading carefully. We kind of held our breath until I got to the six week mark this time and when we reached that point we breathed a small sigh of relief. One small weight lifted. Then we held our breath until the day of my first ultrasound, when we got to see the evidence so to speak - another small weight lifted, but not in the clear. It was frustrating to feel this way, where the excitement and anticipation was sharing space with caution and being prepared for the worst case scenario every step of the way. One minute I'm thinking about what sort of things we'll need for the baby room, and that same thought is interrupted with "don't get too ahead of yourself, that's a long way away, things can change".
Getting through the first trimester was a huge milestone (as it usually is), and felt like a huge weight had been lifted once again. You could tell after that point that our conversations had more excitement and anticipation in them, and it felt so good. Things have definitely changed mindset wise the further we get along, but those upcoming doctor's appointments are still nerve wracking (which I'm sure is true for most mama-to-be's!). If there's one thing I have learned through my experience, is share your excitement whenever you're ready! If you just found out that you're 4 weeks pregnant and want to shout it from the rooftop, do it! Tell you besties, tell your parents tell whoever you want to because experiencing a loss that no one knew about and suffering in silence is so difficult on the mind. If they are your people and the worst happens, they will be there for you and understand. My hope is that we can normalize being excited every step of the way. If this resonated with you, I'd love to hear your comments on my instagram post!